Session 4:
Deep Listening
Listening is the most powerful, transformative and most missing human communication skill. It is unfortunate that it is a missing skill because one of the most powerful things you can do in a human relationship is make the other person feel fully understood.
In this session Don Baughman describes what it means to fully and deeply listen to someone and why it is so powerful.
Introduction to Deep Listening
16 minutes 41 seconds.
Don explains the three step mantra to listening; why meaning is not in words (which are imprecise) but in people; and how to understand deep listening.
Dialog Process
8 minutes 25 seconds.
Don gives us a processes that helps us do deep listening. It is the 3-step relationship dialog: 1. Mirroring; 2. Validating and 3. Empathizing. Most people stop at the first step but Don explains why all three must be done to truly listen deeply.
Listening Reminders
9 minutes 31 seconds.
Don discusses the reminders to help us to achieve deep listening: connect, not control; seek understanding not agreement; accepting and affirming differences; let the other be your teacher; and be willing to be changed by the other person.
Deep Listening Exercises
11 minutes 37 seconds.
Don takes the class through an exercise in deep listening to help them understand how to apply it in a real life situation.
When to Use Deep Listening
10 minutes 50 seconds.
Not all situations call for deep listening, but the most challenging ones do. Don explains why when someone is really upset you make a huge mistake if you just respond to the “upset-ness.” Don’t take it personally. By using deep listening processes the person knows they have been understood and that leads the person to feel safe and stop defending him/herself and help them take it deeper and totally transforms their situation.
Drama Triangle: Rescuer
8 minutes 9 seconds.
Don introduces us to the concept of relationship games explained by use of the drama triangle (rescuer, victim and persecutor). He then goes into describing the characteristics and games of the “rescuer.”
Drama Triangle: Victim
4 minutes 15 seconds.
Don next covers the victim and their characteristics and games. This is the passive, dependent and submissive person.
Drama Triangle: Persecutor
2 minutes 52 seconds.
Finally, Don covers the final role in the triangle, the persecutor. This is the judging and blaming position. As with the other two roles, Don discusses the persecutor’s characteristics and games.
Drama Triangle: Switching Roles
11 minutes.
Don explains how people switch roles while the drama triangle is going on and the game can keep going on forever.
Stopping the Drama Triangle Games
5 minutes 41 seconds.
Don explains how you can stop the game by being open and honest about what you need and honestly express what you feel.
Intent vs. Impact
3 minutes 59 seconds.
Don explains why all that matters is the impact your message has, not your intentions. So it is important that once you send the message you let go of your intention and just watch for the impact it had. If you don’t get the intended impact be aware to do something different.